It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
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{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”