my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
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I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex