ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
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While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select