Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
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“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.