“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
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If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Mouse
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.