Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
You Might Also Like
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.