Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
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The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.