When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
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Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
new shirt idea
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me