Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
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IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
I was just discussing this with my cat
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
selena gomez
technically true but not a great slogan
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.