I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
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Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again