Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
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{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
I have obtained a hat
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs