If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
You Might Also Like
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
True.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap