– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
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Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
What a year we’ve had this week.