Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
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I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous