Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
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Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂