Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
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Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
wishing you and yours all the best
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum