News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
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settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired