It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
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‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.