Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
You Might Also Like
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
ouch
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.