Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
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PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.