*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
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You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.