I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
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Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Love it! 👍😂
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.