When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
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No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
“A little help here, Danny?”
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see