Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
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If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”