[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
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Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
peep davidson
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.