[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
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8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat