UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
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You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.