due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
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DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS