If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
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Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
I don’t know what to do
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.