PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
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My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone