Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
You Might Also Like
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Every photo I’m tagged in
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!