Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
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[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬