[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
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Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?