Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
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“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
That’s it.I’m out.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
the simulation is moving too fast
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.