[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
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Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally