Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
You Might Also Like
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
📽️movie date🎞️
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
*feels the wind in my toe hair
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6