I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
You Might Also Like
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.