Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
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No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
What even happened today?
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours