The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
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My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Saturday
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people