Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
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The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
socratic questions
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.