Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
You Might Also Like
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.