Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
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The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
#winning
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
He just like my cat fr
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.