*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
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BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
can’t bark with your mouth full
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Catercrombie & Fish
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!