It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
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You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York