carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
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HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
*power walks to the refrigerator*
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog