Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
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I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
I only look at Wordle for the articles
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.