Weirdly Wednesday.
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My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Me driving through Toronto
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while