Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
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*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.