Autocannibalism is self-serving.
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Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
In case you needed to hear it:
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
how to exercise your calf muscles
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Oh hi lol