Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
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Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying